A Letter To Outlaw Certain Shirtless Dudes

**originally posted from my blog but i figured its appropriate here**


















What’s your first though seeing all of these pictures? That’s right: THIS SHOULD ALL BE ILLEGAL! Nowadays not only are more and more dudes who have upper bodies that should never see the light of day taking their shirts off, they’re doing it in the most inappropriate of public places. Something needs to be done about this.

I was outside last weekend grilling and these two (completely out of shape) dudes who were friends with my friends thought to themselves “you know what would be a good idea to do around all these slabs of meat and flame retardant chemicals?” “I know! Let’s TAKE OFF OUR SHIRTS! These two taken chicks and this one dude will LOVE it!” And they did. Not being confused about my sexuality, I left my t-shirt right where it belonged: on my body. Being the odd man out and needing a place to burst out laughing, I had to excuse myself.

Sometimes mentally handicapped people like those two dudes need the government to step in to prevent them from further embarrassing themselves and their community. This is why we have warning labels on hair dryers telling you not to use them in the shower. And this is also where I come in. The following is my official law proposal to the state of California that will hopefully outlaw these type of people from ever showing their naked flesh to you or your family. You’re welcome.

Dear California:

I am writing to you because of a disturbing trend I’ve noticed within your male community. More and more often I am noticing your kind removing their shirts in order for us to see their bare chests. The problem is I’d rather watch a marathon of cesarean sections than to ever have to put up with the site of their disgusting bodies. Cause let’s face it California, there are certain people out there who shouldn’t even take their shirts off to bathe. Before I get into how we punish these people, I’d like to take this time to list just exactly what type of people I’m referring to.

1.) People who think “skinny” means “in shape”
Some people don’t know whether they’re low body fat came as a result of hard exercise or a long struggling addiction to cocaine. So they figure they’re going to let the rest of the world figure it out for them by removing their clothes. And guess what, it’s usually the latter and never the former. If I wanted to see a sad tale of drug abuse, I would have just watched all of Robin William’s stand up again.
2.) Completely hairless creatures
These are the kind of people most likely to take off their shirts in order to show off their lack of genetics. Way to rub it in all of our faces, dickhead. Just be aware all men with hair on their chest are just a bottle of Nair and a cigarette lighter away from being in the same position you freaks are.
3.) Covered in tribal tattoos
Just because you grew up on a cul-de-sac but read a comic book that had someone of your heritage getting a tattoo of something, doesn't automatically mean you have to get that same meaningless shape sewed permanently into your body. Stop displaying your bad life mistakes to the world, as I have no interest in knowing about them.


Those are a just two of the many different types of people who should be wearing long sleeve shirts and parkas all the time. But how do we deal with these types of people? Here’s my proposal:

Murder

Okay really here’s my proposal:

If you see someone showing you how malnourished they are via the process of shirt removal, and if they’re doing it in a public place that’s not a beach, you are within complete legal rights to throw whatever you want at them and call them a homo until they put it back on. Such items would include, but not be limited to pencils, tennis balls, paper airplanes, and throwing stars. If they still insist on displaying their hatred for exercise, you can graduate your weapons to bats, hockey sticks, and other blunt objects. Continue this process until they lose consciousness or exposed and disgusting torso is covered with a shirt.

So there ya go California, I hope you have been listening. Do this for the children of tomorrow who’d rather not to be exposed to the effects of heroine of the body. Most importantly, do it for yourself.

Sincerely rockin’
Andrew “Geno” Geanacopoulos